smell my finger.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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