census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
