She is in my trunk
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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