see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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