dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
