Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
True strength comes from lack of pants
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
