I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
jump out the window naked night went bad
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