you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
