11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
