I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
