she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We don't watch enough power rangers
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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