Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
