ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
