I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My vagina is officially offended.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
