Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
