right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
