I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
