So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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