Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
