Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
