Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
