fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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