The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
