How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
