I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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