2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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