Pants 0. Shit 1.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We just shotgunned beers for America
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
