I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
