That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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