Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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