i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
