I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
