I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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