oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.