And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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