I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
