Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
