i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
