you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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