he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
