you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
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You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
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I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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