I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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