i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
