I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
