Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
