dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
