Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
