I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
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I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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