the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
