Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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