Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Randomize
