Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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