I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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