What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
