maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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