Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
