you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
