alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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