if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
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