I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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