I should be sponsored by Trojan
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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