At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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