I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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