So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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