yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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